Man or Bear

In case you haven't heard, there has been an ongoing debate about Man or Bear. (Okay, it's been several weeks ago. I am not terribly hip and often late to the party.) The idea is if a woman was dropped into the forest and giving the choice with either a man or a bear, what would most women choose? The responses have been concerning to say the very least. You can read about this debate here.

I had a friend share this with me and I seriously didn't get the point initially. Of course women would pick a man over a bear. I must be missing something.

Um, yes, I was missing something.

The vast majority of women pointed out that they would prefer the bear. The bear would quickly kill them, if it chose. It would not stalk or leer at them. It would not taunt and humiliate them. It would not torture them to make themselves feel more powerful. The bear would either kill them or leave them alone. Pretty simple. The bear would not pretend to be their friend and then slip them something or promise to help their career in exchange for sex. The bear would not accuse them of wearing something that would signal they wanted to be killed.

That is so fucked up.

And then I realized that I would choose the same for the women in my life. The one thing that I have learned through this journey is just how prevalent sexual assault and harassment by men is. How often women have to contend with men mistaking a friendly smile with sexual interest. That woman have to be mindful of not making eye contact with men in certain situations for fear of unwanted attention and harassment. As a young man, I would like to believe that I had always treated women with respect but I also realize that I may not have always been mindful of how my words or actions might have come across (hello, emotional intelligence.)

Men commit about 80 percent of violent crimes, a high percentage of them against women, especially sexual assault. Based on a 2017 government survey, almost 50 percent of women have had unwanted sexual contact with a man, while a woman’s risk of forcible rape is higher than 16 percent. One in 8 of those rapes is committed by a stranger, kinda like our guy in the woods. The numbers don't lie; women have a valid reason for picking the bear. But if you do a little more digging, you will find the male response and it is disturbing, to say the least. What if it's a friendly bear?

This is unfair to the decent guys out there.

Not all guys are like this.

Men ask a hypothetical question and STILL won't take no for an answer.

Someone explained that if you were offered some M&Ms but were first told that there might be some poisonous ones in the bag, would you still reach in and grab some?

The point of the debate is not about the probability or likelihood of ever being in that situation. It's the fact that women are afraid. That men have done a wonderful job of creating an environment of fear and mistrust. And still we refuse to even acknowledge it.

We have work to do. Both men and women. Men have a responsibility to be more aware of this and to call out other men who foster this culture. That "locker room talk" is not normal and acceptable. But women also have a responsibly not to place some fault or blame on women. By entertaining discussions of whether or not women are opening themselves up to harassment because of what they wear is giving men a pass and giving the question credibility.

And on behalf of the human race, my apologies to the bear for the comparison.